Does anyone ever make you feel like you might not really be thinking clearly or ‘sensibly’ about your fertility decisions?
I have to admit that we have been well and truly on our soap box this week about the things that family, friends, random colleagues, even fertility experts have been throwing in the faces of our ladies.
The shame that people can cloak you in when they decide to assess how you are coping or what you are planning.
So many ladies recently have been questioning whether maybe they ARE going off the rails a bit or maybe they are so consumed by the process and the determination that they have lost sight of what is acceptable, or what is ‘ok’ to be doing.
We just want to say:
NOBODY has the right to tell you how to feel.
NOBODY can tell you when grieving should be ‘done’ or how that should ‘look’.
NOBODY knows when you should be changing tactic or closing a door.
NOBODY knows what it’s like, nor do they know what is reasonable in terms of trying again or taking measures to support yourself.
From the GP who tilts her head and asks you “when enough is enough” to the mother-in-law who thinks you are getting far too stressed and uptight about it all, we need you to know this:
You are doing beautifully.
You are honouring you.
You are finding courage and dignity in the face of great challenge and upheaval. You are being tested in a way that nobody else can even begin to understand.
They don’t have the right to bring those shameful, confused feelings to you.
There are times when you really know you DO have to try again. You DO have to add certain things in, or go to lengths that others are criticising you for or disapproving of.
You absolutely DO know when you have to do something. You feel it in every cell of your being and you have to honour it.
There are those other times too, when you’re deep in the hole of not really knowing where to go next. When you need to be able to flit back and forth and try to work out the next breadcrumb trail to follow. Those times when the stillness is palpable and the signposted next direction is hidden in fog that consumes you night and day.
Those times are so fragile. You are even more vulnerable to the people who have suggestions, opinions and wise torrents of advice, and to the shaming energy behind those comments.
The fact that this takes over your every waking moment, does not make you a psycho. It makes you a woman with huge maternal force inside you who is following her truth and moving mountains to reach the little one you know is calling.
We just wanted you to know, you are NOT getting anything wrong.
You need to be able to move back and forth.
You need to be able to keep going for exactly as long as it feels right for you, and until you reach where you want to be.
You need to be allowed to honour whatever it is that feels right for you.
And you need to be allowed for that to look just exactly as it needs to look for you.
…not anyone else.
So when someone tells you what you ought or should be doing, just take note of how it makes you feel. That will tell you whether it’s ok to soak it up or not.
So from us here at Catching Rainbows we want to wrap you all up with love and let you know we are always listening.
With all our love
Cath & Lucy x x x